Why Talking About LGBTQ+ Issues in the LDS Church Is Important: An Outsider's Perspective

It's not a secret that I'm a flamin' homosexual.

I mean, I have shopped in the men's underwear section so many times that there could be an eternally long security tape of me rifling through boxer briefs out there somewhere by now, and I've worn a suit to fancy functions for 99% of this past year alone, so my stereotypical lesbian is strong.
I also like to think that I've cemented my reputation as a budding activist by now, so there's that.

However, I've been regularly(ish) posting to this blog for around six months (?), and I haven't had the metaphorical balls to delve into this particular subject yet.

While I'd like to say that this is because it just *wasn't the right time* or *I just got busy,* that isn't entirely the case. My real reasons have included (but have not been limited to) the following:

• I'm sometimes really bad at conveying a point without making it sound like a bad fanfic (oops)
• I'm actually a huge coward and have huge bouts of anxiety whenever I post anything even mildly inflammatory on the interwebs (again, oops)
• I am a huge asshole that doesn't know when or where to stop
• I am (also) have problems with commitment where I am afraid to go as far as I need to to make a point while still maintaining the grace and flawlessness of, say, Beyoncè, and not sounding like an utter asshole (see above point)
• I also (by some cruel miracle) have a problem with oversharing (God knows why or how that happened along with my assholery, but alas. Here I am), which leads to more anxiety
• I also got roped into several British sketch comedy shows on the Netflix, which made me feel like all that mattered in the world was watching young-and-goofy-as-hell-Hugh Laurie and still-totally-weird Stephen Fry make fools of themselves, so, well, that's a valid point, too, I suppose

THAT BEING SAID, I am glad that I postponed this post, for whatever reasons, because I had a fantastic experience this past weekend that has shed new light on my perspective on why I think that conversation between the LGBTQA(etc-this-acronym-is-REALLY-unwieldy) community and the LDS church (hereon referred to as the COLDS) is important and, honestly, really beneficial for both sides.

Okay. On with the story, with a bit of background first.

My mom has held the calling of 4th Sunday Relief Society teacher for just around two years now. Just so you can get a clearer picture, let me tell you a few key facts about my mom.

1. She is excellent at getting people to listen. Maybe it's the 'Mama Mexicana' gene or something, but I'll be damned if listening to her hasn't ever left me feeling enlightened. She's a great public speaker, regardless of all her claims to the contrary.
2. She has always taught me to find truth for myself. If there's a man behind a curtain somewhere, she will drag me behind her in search of him, if only to find him and demand his motives.
3. She is rarely afraid or unwilling to disagree, even if it is through a furrowed nose or raised eyebrow. Many dinner conversations have been had between us in which she will relay how Sister So-and-So said this offensive thing and how she thought of how I would have started an absolute shitstorm in protest.

With this brief description in mind, I'd like you to imagine her teaching a class of middle class white women about Jesus.

Surprisingly, she hasn't been kicked out yet. Actually, she has gotten way too many compliments on her lessons for me to count. People will even approach me, the atheistic heathen child, at Wal-Mart when they see me in order to relay messages of gratitude concerning her teaching (thankfully, none of these encounters have been in the men's underwear section).

It is also important to note that her incidence rate of compliments has been mostly concentrated in the last year.

What's made this last year so special? Just a little over a year ago, I came out as bisexual (it was a stepping stone for me) and atheist.

I don't bring this up to sound narcissistic, but this really did throw a wrench in my mom's world. I was terrified to admit that to anyone, and I know that she saw it.

And, working through that fear and opening up the portals of communication between us has made us closer than we ever could have been otherwise.

Why? Because I was honest.

Okay, now on to my story. 

Last Sunday was my mom's lesson, which was entitled "What Are You Thinking?", found somewhere in some Ensign article from this year. The main message of this lesson was "don't judge other people because you never know their story," basically.

And, during the week before she was supposed to teach the lesson, my mom approached me and sat me down, saying she needed to talk to me.

She told me what the lesson was about, and gave me a few of the things she was thinking of covering (his isn't uncommon for us, as she likes to run her lessons through the "Ex-Mormon filter", as she says, to fact check and get my input, which I do appreciate a lot, actually). She ran through the standard things, like not judging divorced couples or rebellious teenagers, being kind to the homeless, and even briefly mentioned Kate Kelly and OW and how they had a right to civility.

Then, she paused and asked me, very carefully,

"Would it be okay with you if I outed you when discussing same sex marriage?"

We'd discussed outing me during a lesson before, mostly in jest, but I had always answered her question with a dismissive 'yes'. 

But, somehow, this felt different. It suddenly hit me that, by outing me, my mom would be 'outing' herself, too. I mean, she hadn't disowned me, or even acted with disgust towards my sexuality, like, ever. Honestly, my sexuality is more of a punchline for us than an item of moral disagreement.So, I responded, 

"Yes. Of course. But, I want to be there."

And, that was the end of that dialogue.

Then came Sunday afternoon. It was around 12:00 pm when I got home from the mission farewell I'd attended, so I was already kind of out-Mormon'd, but I treked to the church at 3:00 to hear my mom teach.

It's important to note how I felt whilst sitting myself down in the back of the RS room, and, long story short, I didn't feel comfortable. No harsh words were directed towards me, but there were some not-so-subtle glances at my slacks-wearing-self, and that was uncomfortable. Not to mention having White Jesus stare down at me, no matter how I shifted around. No atheist wants White Jesus staring down at them while in church.

Anyway, my mom started the lesson by introducing the title and sharing some story about a semi truck, a married couple, and the wife jumping out of the cabin with a baby (look up the talk if you want more detail, though I personally prefer the sensationalized version myself), but she eventually asked the women what they thought about same sex marriage.

I was bracing myself for some thinly veiled homophobia, and I got it. 

I heard several usages of the phrase "problem" in reference to homosexual feelings, and a few "he/she/they is/are homosexual, but I love them in spite of that.

My personal favorite was,

"I'm so glad that I belong to a church that, regardless of popular opinion, continues to stay on God's side by rejecting homosexuality and those who choose to partake of it."

Now, if anyone had looked behind them and glanced at me, they would have seen me visibly uncomfortable and very obviously wishing I had just stayed at home. Hell, if they had just glanced up at my mother, they would have noticed she was gripping her piece of chalk like a stress ball and trying hard not to say something brutally honest and/or mama bear-ish in my defense.

But, instead of saying something scathing, my mother turned to me and, very simply, said, "Yesi? Any thoughts?"

And there, my friends, is where I delivered the most honest speech I have ever given in a church.

Instead of continuing the narrative, I'll make a bullet list of the points that I made in that response, as well as add a few I neglected to talk about, because this allows me to make some commentary that I think is crucial to this conversation.

Here we go.

• HOMOSEXUALITY IS NOT A CHOICE. THE END. PERIOD. Yes, there are people who choose to live as straight members of society, and there are those who choose to experiment with members of the same sex. Are these people bad people? Absolutely not. But they are an unrealistic and completely unequivocal standard to hold LGBTA+ people to. 

Now, straight friends, just imagine that you lived in a world where being gay was the norm (like this short film illustrates [there is a very triggering suicide scene so be wary]). Imagine that, given you fell in love with someone of the opposite sex and chose to live your life with them, you would be unable to marry them, have/adopt children with them (not a perfect analogy, I digress), or even live together as a couple without egregious amounts of paperwork, which wouldn't even equate you to having the rights gay couples had (you wouldn't even be able to have the joy of filing joint taxes). 

Not to mention that you could always be subject to harassment and hate speech, being fired from a job on the basis of sexuality, and a much higher likelihood of being plagued with mental illness due to the stresses associated with having to either hide or confront your sexual identity, among many other things.

Now, tell me honestly, who would ever willingly choose that life?
Let me tell you, as honestly as I can, how much I tried to change myself.

I spent hours upon hours studying scriptures, attending seminary, serving in church callings, and praying and pouring my heart out to God so that He would change me.

Did it work? Not a chance.

I literally prayed for hours and hours, begging God to either 'fix' me or kill me, because I couldn't stand the shame of being attracted to girls more than guys. 

If that does not scream 'there is something wrong with what we are teaching about gay people,' then I honestly don't know what to tell you (and I won't touch the 'live a celibate life' argument yet, because I'm saving that for another bullet point).

Besides, when did the majority of heterosexuals decide to be straight?

• By reducing homosexual attraction to a 'problem', you, whether you realize it or not, are removing the humanity from the issue, and therefore invalidating so many of our struggles.

This is an offensive, but nonetheless prevalent, theme in the 'debate' over same sex rights, especially in the COLDS' dialogue. When listening to many of these women talk about 'same sex attraction,' they addressed it as a 'problem' to be fixed or eradicated. Mind you, this was before I openly addressed my own sexuality in front of them. After that, the wording changed from 'problem' to 'attractions'.

Why the change? Well, before I addressed my own sexuality, the concept of homosexuals was just that; a concept, and nothing more. After the big reveal, however, the issue became more personal and accessible.

This phenomenon isn't unique to the LGBT+ movement, however. It's human nature to treat the unknown or misunderstood as distant because it's not easy to relate to it. It's the same with racism, sexism, or any other type of discrimination; yes, you can appreciate that it exists, but personal experience or association will give another dimension of understanding that cannot be achieved otherwise.

When you come to realize that gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans* non-binary identifying people are people, the conversation starts to change from one of 'doctrine' or 'tradition' or 'politics' to one of humanity and true love for people in minority groups, be they racial, gender, or sexual orientation based.  

• And, honestly, how many of you would be able/willing to live a completely celibate life in order to remain in good standing with God, assuming that's what God even wants?

This point was not discussed during the class, seeing as time ran out, but this remains an important theoretical, in my opinion, since the options presented to queer Mormons are basically a) stop that gay thing and live as a heterosexual or b) remain celibate for the rest of your life. 

That doesn't have the same effect as the abstinence asked of heterosexuals in the church. This isn't a 'wait for marriage' scenario, this is a 'you can never have a physically fulfilling relationship unless your attractions change' scenario.

This may work for someone with a low sex drive, but, for people with higher sex drives, this is a difficult to impossible task. Not to mention, humans often crave romantic love and relationships, which are also discouraged in the church. Remember those schoolboy/schoolgirl crushes you'd get (and probably still get) for people at school or the kid next door? Yeah, none of that, or anything beyond that. 

I mean, the only win scenario here is for an gay or lesbian asexual aromantic individual, or a gay or lesbian person who ends up falling in love with someone of the opposite gender (which does happen, and that is legitimate), but they're not everyone.

Also, just let me postulate for a second. Would an eternally loving, well intention-ed, and perfect god really doom a significant portion of people with same sex attractions and then turn around and make it impossible for them to attain a certain aspect of life that their heterosexual brothers and sisters have available to them?

If so, it's a great thing that I'm an agnostic atheist, because I refuse to worship a god like that.

If not, then there's some wrong going on here. 

Anyway, these are just a few points to be made in this conversation. However, another problem arises when this gets brought up because it is rare that people are willing to talk about this openly, for fear of disagreement with the church or whatever reasons. This, frankly, scares me.

I mean, would you really put your church before being 'Christlike'?

If so, you can unfriend me on Facebook right now, because I refuse to associate with someone like that.

If it is fear that is putting you off, let me just say that it's more than likely that you will encounter more than one LGBTQ person in your life. And, who knows? It may end up being someone you know and love.

If it is misconceptions that are influencing your removal from the issue, I encourage you to do some research. It can only help, after all.

If you're neutral on the issue, I would ask that you at least look into the issue more. I remained neutral for so long, and I wish I hadn't. I could have done so much good with that wasted time.


But, there you go. There's my shpeel. It's brash, but it's what I fell I've needed to say.

Why I Support Kate Kelly, John Dehlin, and 'Dissenters' Like Them: An Unorganized Essay (Trigger Warning For Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, Depression, and Anxiety)

In the past few weeks, there have been reports of many members, both high profile and less recognizable, who have begun to experience pressure from the higher-ups in the LDS Church (in order to save me some wrist pain, I'll refer to them as Mormon from here on out) on account of their public sharing of dissenting opinions to doctrine, their treatment of minority groups, and so forth. These events have exploded across the Internet, even garnering the attention of the New York Times, which wrote a series of articles reporting on it (here's one of them, for the curious: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/06/12/us/two-activists-within-mormon-church-threatened-with-excommunication.html).

Two of the higher profile members, Kate Kelly and John Dehlin, both of whom were, and continue to be, prominent activists with regards to the church, were my personal introduction into what was going on. Kelly, (one of the leaders of the Ordain Women movement) and Dehlin (a supporter of gay rights who also runs a popular podcast entitled "Mormon Stories" [link here: www.mormonstories.org]) were both names that I recognized, due to my involvement in the Ex-Mormon subreddit (www.reddit.com/r/exmormon, for the interested), as well as the not-generally-positive comments I'd seen about them on Facebook from Mormon friends.

That being said, I feel obligated to note that, while I consider myself resigned from the church, regardless of official paperwork (which I fully intend to send as soon as I'm of age), I fully supported these members' efforts within the church.

And, no, this wasn't (and isn't) because I want to see the church crumble apart from the inside out (although I do admit it was an occasional fantasy when I was angrier post-leaving). I support these people, and others like them, because I do believe that the doctrines and actions that these activists are fighting against can be harmful and damaging to members.

I'll use myself as the (painfully obvious) example.

I grew up in the church, and lived and breathed it for 15+ years. I grew up learning that marriage was only a thing for heterosexual couples, and my conclusion became that those stankin' gays were all drug addicted, horny, and dangerous infidels.

Obviously, that's not true for all. While I might be occasionally horny (whoops), I'm not a drug addict, and I can barely throw a punch.

But, my point is that I took my religion extremely seriously, to the point of becoming a bona fide homophobe and refusing to accept my leanings toward liking girls more than boys.

Was I explicitly taught to do this? Not necessarily. I mean, yes, I attended Young Women's lessons in which I heard tearful accounts of LGBT relatives who, regardless of how happy and well adjusted they seemed, could never be worthy of the cleanliness and blessings of the Celestial Kingdom as long as they were gay. But, it was rare that I heard someone say that we should outright hate the gays.

And, yet, I did.

I 'sacrificed' my mental health and sanity in order to become someone that I thought was better.

And, I got rewarded for it.

I became Beehive President almost the minute I turned 12, as well as Mia Maid President upon turning 14. I was part of Seminary Council for a semester my sophomore year. I would get teary-eyed adults fawning over me when I would bear my testimony in sacrament meeting for being 'so spiritual' and 'such a special girl', and I ate that shit up!

Never mind that I never got that tingly, Holy Ghost feeling unless it was cold in the chapel or I'd forgotten to shave my legs.

Never mind that, regardless of having read the Bible, front to back, including footnotes, multiple times and having poured over the Book of Mormon, I was still honestly bored by scriptures, if not confused at how messed up some of that crap was.

Never mind that I was denying myself from accepting who I was due to fear that I was messed up.

Never mind that I believed that my issues with anxiety and depression were from not having done enough to be good enough for God.

Never mind that I once had a full on panic attack because I saw a really attractive girl and thought, "Wow. She's really cute," because I was so terrified that I was screwed up beyond repair.

From there on. my life became an exhausting cycle of obsessing over everything and desperately trying to fix whatever the hell was wrong with me. I prayed for hours on end when I couldn't get out of bed because I was so depressed. I pled with God to either fix me or kill me, and, at that point, I wasn't even sure if getting myself 'fixed' was worth it.

And then, I was just ready to give up. I slept 12 hours a day, my GPA went from 3.5 to 2.7 in one semester, and I was drafting suicide notes in my head when I had my bouts of insomnia that would last for days.

I was lucky that I slipped up and just broke down in front of my mom, coming out, stating my lack of belief, and admitting my depression in one go.

I still struggle with anxiety and occasional depression, and I sometimes wonder how much of this I would have to deal with if I had had some more support from church.

Don't get me wrong; I don't think I could ever go back to church. But, how could my life have been different if I had felt better about who I was?

What if I had grown up knowing that being gay was okay, and that having sexual desires was normal, regardless of gender or sex?

What if I had grown up not being afraid to ask questions or disagree with what I was told?

Even if the church hadn't condoned my sexuality, but hadn't condemned it, I feel like life would have been different for me.

This is why I support activism in the church.

Things like the contributions that the Church made to support Proposition 8 and their dabbling in electroshock therapy in the 1970's were, are, and never will be okay (citations below), and while the church cannot take these things back, I can only imagine that acknowledging these past mistakes and fixing the harmful attitudes that are still prevalent in the culture would help so many people who feel guilt or shame for their attractions.

It doesn't matter that I don't believe in a god or in the doctrines that the church teaches, because this isn't a matter of my faith. This is a matter of preserving the sanity and well being of church members who are as I once was.

The way that the church is 'handling' activists who disagree with church teachings while remaining active, faithful members is, quite honestly, embarrassing. What does this say to people like my sister, who has told me that she sometimes feels torn between her love for me and her faith?

Basically, 'f*ck of kindly'.

My point here is I believe that change could make so many lives better. Maybe even just admitting that mistakes have been made, and owning up to those mistakes would be a good start.

But, as it is, I'm all for those who are brave enough to say "I disagree." Kudos.

(Citations for the gay stuff:
Prop. 8: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/15/us/politics/15marriage.html?_r=2&pagewanted=1&hp&oref=slogin
Electroshock Therapy at BYU: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/mormon-gay-cures-reparative-therapies-shock-today/story?id=13240700)

Will I Ever Go Back? No: A Response

I got asked a very good question this past week.

And, by 'very good question,' I mean a question that a) made me think a bit, and b) pissed me off just enough to write a blog post on the subject.

Here's a bit of context.

I went to a missionary farewell this past Friday for a close friend of mine, mostly because I felt like I wanted to be a part of this very important moment in his life, and also because I was genuinely curious to know where he'd be 'shipping off' to for two years (it ended up being the Calgary, Canada Mission, Mandarin Chinese speaking; congrats, Michael!).

I was having a great time socializing and stuff, when I was posed a question. I won't name who asked me, and I feel like I should clarify that I wasn't pissed off because they asked me, but later became pissed off when I thought more about the question and what it meant. It'll make more sense in a minute.

The question I was asked was something along the lines of, "If the LDS church weren't so homophobic, would you come back?"

I answered with a simple, yet firm, "No. Probably not," although a more honest answer would be an, "Oh, God, no; why the hell would I?" I figured the former was more appropriate and less aggressive.

Let me explain my reasoning here.

The reason I left the LDS church (which I will refer to as the COLDS [Church of Latter Day Saints] for the remainder of this post for convenience) is a long and complicated one. Yes, my sexuality played a major role in that, (because, let's be frank here; who wants to stay in a church who treats you like a second class citizen for attractions you can't control? Not this girl.), but it was not the 'end-all' reason for my disassociation.

No, the reasons for which I left were much more than just me being primarily attracted to girls.

I left because I felt that I didn't agree with how I was instructed to live my life, as a woman (who didn't even feel completely like a woman, to be honest).

I left because I was told to stop asking questions.

I left because I found things in the COLDS' history that I found inexcusable.

I left because I wanted to live a life free of the unnecessary guilt I felt from trying to lie myself into being someone I wasn't and never would be.

I left because I no longer believed in God.

And, yes, I left because I am not straight.

Me going back would require me sanding down my beliefs to a point where I would be unrecognizable, just so I could fit into a puzzle made of identical, square pieces.

And, yes, some people do fit into that puzzle, and that's okay. I'm not trying to bash on that.

I just don't fit.

I will never go back, because I am finally comfortable in who I am, and I will not and cannot sacrifice that for the sake of a church.

If there is a god, and he is not okay with me living my life in a way that makes me happy, then he is not worthy of my worship.

The GAY Issue: Q&A's From the Past

I've been out of the closet for almost a year, sexuality wise, and for a couple of months gender wise.

Naturally, due to the conservative nature of the town in which I live, I've gotten a few probing questions from my peers.

In all honesty, I don't mind questions, but, that doesn't mean I can't laugh at the funnier ones.

Let's get started.

How To Be A Decent Human Ex-Mormon: A Haphazard Tutorial by Me

As many know, I am Ex-Mormon. I stopped attending church almost exactly a year ago, which is odd to think about, and I've never been happier.

However, I also live in Utah, which has made the leaving thing a bit more complicated. After all, at the point of my initial disaffection, about 85-90% of my friends were (presumably) active, I held a calling in my ward, and I was enrolled in seminary.

So, basically, I was terrified. I was terrified of losing friends, losing respect from my neighbors, having to survive an hour and a half of seminary everyday...and the list goes on.

In all honesty, though, my leaving didn't change very much. I lost contact with a few friends with whom I really only had church in common, my neighbors continue to not talk to me (I don't venture out much...), and I got an entire period of homework and Temple Run time. Well, it was an entire period of homework and Temple Run time, but with a few homophobic, racist, sexist, and generally unpleasant comments shot around by my peers and teacher alike.

But, I digress. I ditched most of that semester's classes anyways.

No, the real challenge came when it came to interacting with Mormons as an ExMo. I mean, without coming off as a bitter and generally unpleasant asshole.


I know, I know, live and let live is a thing, I thought. Yeah, yeah, I should still follow the Golden Rule, I conceded.

But, goshdangit, I was angry! I felt so lied to and so cheated of years of happiness! I could have spent my early adolescent years doing things besides hating myself for liking girls and having a sex drive. I could have spent Sundays doing homework instead of sitting through lessons about how showing my shoulders was evil and would lead the poor, innocent boys into lives of depraved and uncontrollable sexual desire.

I was pissed. I was pissed at the church, I was pissed at my parents, I was pissed at my friends...

Yeah, I was an asshole. Or, at least, a bigger asshole than I am now.

And, I really do regret that. I really do regret trying to convince people that I was right, and that they were wrong. It's a waste of time and energy, and it's just as disrespectful as anyone trying to push opinions. Like a wise friend of mine once said, "Opinions are like butts; you shouldn't expose them unless invited, and only when the mood is right."

Now, my general creed is to live and let live. Maybe it's just because I'm lazy rather than a truly benevolent being, but I just don't see the point in being against the world. Besides, I feel like I can contribute more to the world by letting people live their lives in hopes that they will let me live mine.

So there you go. I don't actually know how to be a decent, human Ex-Mormon. I'm a junior in high school who doesn't even know what time they'll be getting up tomorrow morning, for God's sake. But, I'll be damned if I'm not going to give it a shot by trying to be nice to people. What else is there to do, anyways?


Tune in next time to hear my favorite questions from people concerning my sexuality and gender. Because, why not? You might think I'm funny. (Also, feel free to shoot me requests or whatever for posts. I have nothing to do.)

The Revamping of the Blog

Hi, all.

I was looking through my Facebook "About" page, and I stumbled upon this gem of a blog.

Needless to say, I laughed a bit at myself for even having had a blog during December of 2010 (at the tender age of 13, no less), and I nearly deleted the entire thing.

However, I've had a small epiphany. Just...hear me out.


This last year of mine has been one hell of a ride. I've come out as homoflexible, left the LDS church (although, not officially-that might have to wait until I'm a legal adult, but more on that later), come to terms with being of a non-binary gender orientation, and turned 16, among other things.

So, I've decided that I might as well turn this blog into something useful. I mean, living in Utah as a gay, genderqueer, Ex-Mormon, feminist, etc. individual has it's share of oddities, so I might as well share them, right?

I mean, who knows; someone may actually find some of this funny/entertaining/relatable...or something.

So, here we are. This is my blog. Let's see how long this lasts, shall we?