Will I Ever Go Back? No: A Response

I got asked a very good question this past week.

And, by 'very good question,' I mean a question that a) made me think a bit, and b) pissed me off just enough to write a blog post on the subject.

Here's a bit of context.

I went to a missionary farewell this past Friday for a close friend of mine, mostly because I felt like I wanted to be a part of this very important moment in his life, and also because I was genuinely curious to know where he'd be 'shipping off' to for two years (it ended up being the Calgary, Canada Mission, Mandarin Chinese speaking; congrats, Michael!).

I was having a great time socializing and stuff, when I was posed a question. I won't name who asked me, and I feel like I should clarify that I wasn't pissed off because they asked me, but later became pissed off when I thought more about the question and what it meant. It'll make more sense in a minute.

The question I was asked was something along the lines of, "If the LDS church weren't so homophobic, would you come back?"

I answered with a simple, yet firm, "No. Probably not," although a more honest answer would be an, "Oh, God, no; why the hell would I?" I figured the former was more appropriate and less aggressive.

Let me explain my reasoning here.

The reason I left the LDS church (which I will refer to as the COLDS [Church of Latter Day Saints] for the remainder of this post for convenience) is a long and complicated one. Yes, my sexuality played a major role in that, (because, let's be frank here; who wants to stay in a church who treats you like a second class citizen for attractions you can't control? Not this girl.), but it was not the 'end-all' reason for my disassociation.

No, the reasons for which I left were much more than just me being primarily attracted to girls.

I left because I felt that I didn't agree with how I was instructed to live my life, as a woman (who didn't even feel completely like a woman, to be honest).

I left because I was told to stop asking questions.

I left because I found things in the COLDS' history that I found inexcusable.

I left because I wanted to live a life free of the unnecessary guilt I felt from trying to lie myself into being someone I wasn't and never would be.

I left because I no longer believed in God.

And, yes, I left because I am not straight.

Me going back would require me sanding down my beliefs to a point where I would be unrecognizable, just so I could fit into a puzzle made of identical, square pieces.

And, yes, some people do fit into that puzzle, and that's okay. I'm not trying to bash on that.

I just don't fit.

I will never go back, because I am finally comfortable in who I am, and I will not and cannot sacrifice that for the sake of a church.

If there is a god, and he is not okay with me living my life in a way that makes me happy, then he is not worthy of my worship.