Why Talking About LGBTQ+ Issues in the LDS Church Is Important: An Outsider's Perspective

It's not a secret that I'm a flamin' homosexual.

I mean, I have shopped in the men's underwear section so many times that there could be an eternally long security tape of me rifling through boxer briefs out there somewhere by now, and I've worn a suit to fancy functions for 99% of this past year alone, so my stereotypical lesbian is strong.
I also like to think that I've cemented my reputation as a budding activist by now, so there's that.

However, I've been regularly(ish) posting to this blog for around six months (?), and I haven't had the metaphorical balls to delve into this particular subject yet.

While I'd like to say that this is because it just *wasn't the right time* or *I just got busy,* that isn't entirely the case. My real reasons have included (but have not been limited to) the following:

• I'm sometimes really bad at conveying a point without making it sound like a bad fanfic (oops)
• I'm actually a huge coward and have huge bouts of anxiety whenever I post anything even mildly inflammatory on the interwebs (again, oops)
• I am a huge asshole that doesn't know when or where to stop
• I am (also) have problems with commitment where I am afraid to go as far as I need to to make a point while still maintaining the grace and flawlessness of, say, Beyoncè, and not sounding like an utter asshole (see above point)
• I also (by some cruel miracle) have a problem with oversharing (God knows why or how that happened along with my assholery, but alas. Here I am), which leads to more anxiety
• I also got roped into several British sketch comedy shows on the Netflix, which made me feel like all that mattered in the world was watching young-and-goofy-as-hell-Hugh Laurie and still-totally-weird Stephen Fry make fools of themselves, so, well, that's a valid point, too, I suppose

THAT BEING SAID, I am glad that I postponed this post, for whatever reasons, because I had a fantastic experience this past weekend that has shed new light on my perspective on why I think that conversation between the LGBTQA(etc-this-acronym-is-REALLY-unwieldy) community and the LDS church (hereon referred to as the COLDS) is important and, honestly, really beneficial for both sides.

Okay. On with the story, with a bit of background first.

My mom has held the calling of 4th Sunday Relief Society teacher for just around two years now. Just so you can get a clearer picture, let me tell you a few key facts about my mom.

1. She is excellent at getting people to listen. Maybe it's the 'Mama Mexicana' gene or something, but I'll be damned if listening to her hasn't ever left me feeling enlightened. She's a great public speaker, regardless of all her claims to the contrary.
2. She has always taught me to find truth for myself. If there's a man behind a curtain somewhere, she will drag me behind her in search of him, if only to find him and demand his motives.
3. She is rarely afraid or unwilling to disagree, even if it is through a furrowed nose or raised eyebrow. Many dinner conversations have been had between us in which she will relay how Sister So-and-So said this offensive thing and how she thought of how I would have started an absolute shitstorm in protest.

With this brief description in mind, I'd like you to imagine her teaching a class of middle class white women about Jesus.

Surprisingly, she hasn't been kicked out yet. Actually, she has gotten way too many compliments on her lessons for me to count. People will even approach me, the atheistic heathen child, at Wal-Mart when they see me in order to relay messages of gratitude concerning her teaching (thankfully, none of these encounters have been in the men's underwear section).

It is also important to note that her incidence rate of compliments has been mostly concentrated in the last year.

What's made this last year so special? Just a little over a year ago, I came out as bisexual (it was a stepping stone for me) and atheist.

I don't bring this up to sound narcissistic, but this really did throw a wrench in my mom's world. I was terrified to admit that to anyone, and I know that she saw it.

And, working through that fear and opening up the portals of communication between us has made us closer than we ever could have been otherwise.

Why? Because I was honest.

Okay, now on to my story. 

Last Sunday was my mom's lesson, which was entitled "What Are You Thinking?", found somewhere in some Ensign article from this year. The main message of this lesson was "don't judge other people because you never know their story," basically.

And, during the week before she was supposed to teach the lesson, my mom approached me and sat me down, saying she needed to talk to me.

She told me what the lesson was about, and gave me a few of the things she was thinking of covering (his isn't uncommon for us, as she likes to run her lessons through the "Ex-Mormon filter", as she says, to fact check and get my input, which I do appreciate a lot, actually). She ran through the standard things, like not judging divorced couples or rebellious teenagers, being kind to the homeless, and even briefly mentioned Kate Kelly and OW and how they had a right to civility.

Then, she paused and asked me, very carefully,

"Would it be okay with you if I outed you when discussing same sex marriage?"

We'd discussed outing me during a lesson before, mostly in jest, but I had always answered her question with a dismissive 'yes'. 

But, somehow, this felt different. It suddenly hit me that, by outing me, my mom would be 'outing' herself, too. I mean, she hadn't disowned me, or even acted with disgust towards my sexuality, like, ever. Honestly, my sexuality is more of a punchline for us than an item of moral disagreement.So, I responded, 

"Yes. Of course. But, I want to be there."

And, that was the end of that dialogue.

Then came Sunday afternoon. It was around 12:00 pm when I got home from the mission farewell I'd attended, so I was already kind of out-Mormon'd, but I treked to the church at 3:00 to hear my mom teach.

It's important to note how I felt whilst sitting myself down in the back of the RS room, and, long story short, I didn't feel comfortable. No harsh words were directed towards me, but there were some not-so-subtle glances at my slacks-wearing-self, and that was uncomfortable. Not to mention having White Jesus stare down at me, no matter how I shifted around. No atheist wants White Jesus staring down at them while in church.

Anyway, my mom started the lesson by introducing the title and sharing some story about a semi truck, a married couple, and the wife jumping out of the cabin with a baby (look up the talk if you want more detail, though I personally prefer the sensationalized version myself), but she eventually asked the women what they thought about same sex marriage.

I was bracing myself for some thinly veiled homophobia, and I got it. 

I heard several usages of the phrase "problem" in reference to homosexual feelings, and a few "he/she/they is/are homosexual, but I love them in spite of that.

My personal favorite was,

"I'm so glad that I belong to a church that, regardless of popular opinion, continues to stay on God's side by rejecting homosexuality and those who choose to partake of it."

Now, if anyone had looked behind them and glanced at me, they would have seen me visibly uncomfortable and very obviously wishing I had just stayed at home. Hell, if they had just glanced up at my mother, they would have noticed she was gripping her piece of chalk like a stress ball and trying hard not to say something brutally honest and/or mama bear-ish in my defense.

But, instead of saying something scathing, my mother turned to me and, very simply, said, "Yesi? Any thoughts?"

And there, my friends, is where I delivered the most honest speech I have ever given in a church.

Instead of continuing the narrative, I'll make a bullet list of the points that I made in that response, as well as add a few I neglected to talk about, because this allows me to make some commentary that I think is crucial to this conversation.

Here we go.

• HOMOSEXUALITY IS NOT A CHOICE. THE END. PERIOD. Yes, there are people who choose to live as straight members of society, and there are those who choose to experiment with members of the same sex. Are these people bad people? Absolutely not. But they are an unrealistic and completely unequivocal standard to hold LGBTA+ people to. 

Now, straight friends, just imagine that you lived in a world where being gay was the norm (like this short film illustrates [there is a very triggering suicide scene so be wary]). Imagine that, given you fell in love with someone of the opposite sex and chose to live your life with them, you would be unable to marry them, have/adopt children with them (not a perfect analogy, I digress), or even live together as a couple without egregious amounts of paperwork, which wouldn't even equate you to having the rights gay couples had (you wouldn't even be able to have the joy of filing joint taxes). 

Not to mention that you could always be subject to harassment and hate speech, being fired from a job on the basis of sexuality, and a much higher likelihood of being plagued with mental illness due to the stresses associated with having to either hide or confront your sexual identity, among many other things.

Now, tell me honestly, who would ever willingly choose that life?
Let me tell you, as honestly as I can, how much I tried to change myself.

I spent hours upon hours studying scriptures, attending seminary, serving in church callings, and praying and pouring my heart out to God so that He would change me.

Did it work? Not a chance.

I literally prayed for hours and hours, begging God to either 'fix' me or kill me, because I couldn't stand the shame of being attracted to girls more than guys. 

If that does not scream 'there is something wrong with what we are teaching about gay people,' then I honestly don't know what to tell you (and I won't touch the 'live a celibate life' argument yet, because I'm saving that for another bullet point).

Besides, when did the majority of heterosexuals decide to be straight?

• By reducing homosexual attraction to a 'problem', you, whether you realize it or not, are removing the humanity from the issue, and therefore invalidating so many of our struggles.

This is an offensive, but nonetheless prevalent, theme in the 'debate' over same sex rights, especially in the COLDS' dialogue. When listening to many of these women talk about 'same sex attraction,' they addressed it as a 'problem' to be fixed or eradicated. Mind you, this was before I openly addressed my own sexuality in front of them. After that, the wording changed from 'problem' to 'attractions'.

Why the change? Well, before I addressed my own sexuality, the concept of homosexuals was just that; a concept, and nothing more. After the big reveal, however, the issue became more personal and accessible.

This phenomenon isn't unique to the LGBT+ movement, however. It's human nature to treat the unknown or misunderstood as distant because it's not easy to relate to it. It's the same with racism, sexism, or any other type of discrimination; yes, you can appreciate that it exists, but personal experience or association will give another dimension of understanding that cannot be achieved otherwise.

When you come to realize that gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans* non-binary identifying people are people, the conversation starts to change from one of 'doctrine' or 'tradition' or 'politics' to one of humanity and true love for people in minority groups, be they racial, gender, or sexual orientation based.  

• And, honestly, how many of you would be able/willing to live a completely celibate life in order to remain in good standing with God, assuming that's what God even wants?

This point was not discussed during the class, seeing as time ran out, but this remains an important theoretical, in my opinion, since the options presented to queer Mormons are basically a) stop that gay thing and live as a heterosexual or b) remain celibate for the rest of your life. 

That doesn't have the same effect as the abstinence asked of heterosexuals in the church. This isn't a 'wait for marriage' scenario, this is a 'you can never have a physically fulfilling relationship unless your attractions change' scenario.

This may work for someone with a low sex drive, but, for people with higher sex drives, this is a difficult to impossible task. Not to mention, humans often crave romantic love and relationships, which are also discouraged in the church. Remember those schoolboy/schoolgirl crushes you'd get (and probably still get) for people at school or the kid next door? Yeah, none of that, or anything beyond that. 

I mean, the only win scenario here is for an gay or lesbian asexual aromantic individual, or a gay or lesbian person who ends up falling in love with someone of the opposite gender (which does happen, and that is legitimate), but they're not everyone.

Also, just let me postulate for a second. Would an eternally loving, well intention-ed, and perfect god really doom a significant portion of people with same sex attractions and then turn around and make it impossible for them to attain a certain aspect of life that their heterosexual brothers and sisters have available to them?

If so, it's a great thing that I'm an agnostic atheist, because I refuse to worship a god like that.

If not, then there's some wrong going on here. 

Anyway, these are just a few points to be made in this conversation. However, another problem arises when this gets brought up because it is rare that people are willing to talk about this openly, for fear of disagreement with the church or whatever reasons. This, frankly, scares me.

I mean, would you really put your church before being 'Christlike'?

If so, you can unfriend me on Facebook right now, because I refuse to associate with someone like that.

If it is fear that is putting you off, let me just say that it's more than likely that you will encounter more than one LGBTQ person in your life. And, who knows? It may end up being someone you know and love.

If it is misconceptions that are influencing your removal from the issue, I encourage you to do some research. It can only help, after all.

If you're neutral on the issue, I would ask that you at least look into the issue more. I remained neutral for so long, and I wish I hadn't. I could have done so much good with that wasted time.


But, there you go. There's my shpeel. It's brash, but it's what I fell I've needed to say.