In the past few weeks, there have been reports of many members, both high profile and less recognizable, who have begun to experience pressure from the higher-ups in the LDS Church (in order to save me some wrist pain, I'll refer to them as Mormon from here on out) on account of their public sharing of dissenting opinions to doctrine, their treatment of minority groups, and so forth. These events have exploded across the Internet, even garnering the attention of the New York Times, which wrote a series of articles reporting on it (here's one of them, for the curious: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/06/12/us/two-activists-within-mormon-church-threatened-with-excommunication.html).
Two of the higher profile members, Kate Kelly and John Dehlin, both of whom were, and continue to be, prominent activists with regards to the church, were my personal introduction into what was going on. Kelly, (one of the leaders of the Ordain Women movement) and Dehlin (a supporter of gay rights who also runs a popular podcast entitled "Mormon Stories" [link here: www.mormonstories.org]) were both names that I recognized, due to my involvement in the Ex-Mormon subreddit (www.reddit.com/r/exmormon, for the interested), as well as the not-generally-positive comments I'd seen about them on Facebook from Mormon friends.
That being said, I feel obligated to note that, while I consider myself resigned from the church, regardless of official paperwork (which I fully intend to send as soon as I'm of age), I fully supported these members' efforts within the church.
And, no, this wasn't (and isn't) because I want to see the church crumble apart from the inside out (although I do admit it was an occasional fantasy when I was angrier post-leaving). I support these people, and others like them, because I do believe that the doctrines and actions that these activists are fighting against can be harmful and damaging to members.
I'll use myself as the (painfully obvious) example.
I grew up in the church, and lived and breathed it for 15+ years. I grew up learning that marriage was only a thing for heterosexual couples, and my conclusion became that those stankin' gays were all drug addicted, horny, and dangerous infidels.
Obviously, that's not true for all. While I might be occasionally horny (whoops), I'm not a drug addict, and I can barely throw a punch.
But, my point is that I took my religion extremely seriously, to the point of becoming a bona fide homophobe and refusing to accept my leanings toward liking girls more than boys.
Was I explicitly taught to do this? Not necessarily. I mean, yes, I attended Young Women's lessons in which I heard tearful accounts of LGBT relatives who, regardless of how happy and well adjusted they seemed, could never be worthy of the cleanliness and blessings of the Celestial Kingdom as long as they were gay. But, it was rare that I heard someone say that we should outright hate the gays.
And, yet, I did.
I 'sacrificed' my mental health and sanity in order to become someone that I thought was better.
And, I got rewarded for it.
I became Beehive President almost the minute I turned 12, as well as Mia Maid President upon turning 14. I was part of Seminary Council for a semester my sophomore year. I would get teary-eyed adults fawning over me when I would bear my testimony in sacrament meeting for being 'so spiritual' and 'such a special girl', and I ate that shit up!
Never mind that I never got that tingly, Holy Ghost feeling unless it was cold in the chapel or I'd forgotten to shave my legs.
Never mind that, regardless of having read the Bible, front to back, including footnotes, multiple times and having poured over the Book of Mormon, I was still honestly bored by scriptures, if not confused at how messed up some of that crap was.
Never mind that I was denying myself from accepting who I was due to fear that I was messed up.
Never mind that I believed that my issues with anxiety and depression were from not having done enough to be good enough for God.
Never mind that I once had a full on panic attack because I saw a really attractive girl and thought, "Wow. She's really cute," because I was so terrified that I was screwed up beyond repair.
From there on. my life became an exhausting cycle of obsessing over everything and desperately trying to fix whatever the hell was wrong with me. I prayed for hours on end when I couldn't get out of bed because I was so depressed. I pled with God to either fix me or kill me, and, at that point, I wasn't even sure if getting myself 'fixed' was worth it.
And then, I was just ready to give up. I slept 12 hours a day, my GPA went from 3.5 to 2.7 in one semester, and I was drafting suicide notes in my head when I had my bouts of insomnia that would last for days.
I was lucky that I slipped up and just broke down in front of my mom, coming out, stating my lack of belief, and admitting my depression in one go.
I still struggle with anxiety and occasional depression, and I sometimes wonder how much of this I would have to deal with if I had had some more support from church.
Don't get me wrong; I don't think I could ever go back to church. But, how could my life have been different if I had felt better about who I was?
What if I had grown up knowing that being gay was okay, and that having sexual desires was normal, regardless of gender or sex?
What if I had grown up not being afraid to ask questions or disagree with what I was told?
Even if the church hadn't condoned my sexuality, but hadn't condemned it, I feel like life would have been different for me.
This is why I support activism in the church.
Things like the contributions that the Church made to support Proposition 8 and their dabbling in electroshock therapy in the 1970's were, are, and never will be okay (citations below), and while the church cannot take these things back, I can only imagine that acknowledging these past mistakes and fixing the harmful attitudes that are still prevalent in the culture would help so many people who feel guilt or shame for their attractions.
It doesn't matter that I don't believe in a god or in the doctrines that the church teaches, because this isn't a matter of my faith. This is a matter of preserving the sanity and well being of church members who are as I once was.
The way that the church is 'handling' activists who disagree with church teachings while remaining active, faithful members is, quite honestly, embarrassing. What does this say to people like my sister, who has told me that she sometimes feels torn between her love for me and her faith?
Basically, 'f*ck of kindly'.
My point here is I believe that change could make so many lives better. Maybe even just admitting that mistakes have been made, and owning up to those mistakes would be a good start.
But, as it is, I'm all for those who are brave enough to say "I disagree." Kudos.
(Citations for the gay stuff:
Prop. 8: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/15/us/politics/15marriage.html?_r=2&pagewanted=1&hp&oref=slogin
Electroshock Therapy at BYU: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/mormon-gay-cures-reparative-therapies-shock-today/story?id=13240700)
